The Dry Season

It’s a major scam that people tout summer as the most fabulous time of the year.

Here are the three reasons why:

1.) Every sport worth watching is over and we have to wait three long months until God smiles down on us again and football season starts. Once the College World Series are over, we’re left to watch soccer (which I often argue isn’t really even a sport), and the commie-style riots that ensue after no one wins a World Championship match.

I’d rather sit outside in the mid-south without wearing bug spray.

2.) We’re not kids anymore. — Summer rocked when you were 12. But now that we don’t get three-month-long vacations, the concept of summer vacation only applies to kids (lucky bastards) and soccer moms. Instead, we get to sweat our asses off in business suits and make up for our lack of summer vacation on the weekends. This usually involves consuming a lot of beer, which doesn’t help the whole bikini scenario….which leads to my next point.

3.) Hot weather + Beer + More Beer = Bare Beer Bellies. — So, I spend the entire normal year watching sports on the weekends and consuming what some (namely my mother) claim is an unreasonable amount of beer. Then, all of a sudden, the NBA Finals end and summertime begins, and I’m called on to show up at social situations where I’m supposed to wear some sort of spandexy-swimwear contraption and not get mistaken for a large mammal and thus harpooned.

 The one problem? Nine months of beer-drinking doesn’t really bode well for bikini season. I mean, in October, those old college sweatshirts rock my world because they let me represent (GEAUX Tigers) and they let me drink and eat as much as I want, all day long, and no one can see or judge the physical results.

These sweatshirst don’t fly in the summer, and ridiculously hot weather isn’t condusive to climbing onto the wagon either. So, I’ll run a little extra in the air-conditioned gym, but I’m not going to lose my stamina and stop enjoying heavenly brews. Tailgating season is only three months away.

While there’s no getting around summer as a dry season, I guess the only way to get through it is with a cool beverage in hand and a countdown calendar on the cell phone to tick down the days ’til August when we can all put some normal, NCAA trademarked clothes back on and return to the ways of chicken wings and football, all weekend long.